When Things Improve and I Sabotage Them

There were times when life started to settle, and I made it worse.

From the outside it didn’t make sense. Why disrupt something that was finally working. Inside, it felt strangely familiar.

Chaos had been my normal for a long time. When things calmed down, I didn’t feel safe. I felt out of place.

Some part of me expected things to fall apart, so I pushed first. Not because I wanted failure, but because disappointment felt more predictable than stability.

This isn’t self hatred. It’s conditioning.

When chaos is familiar, calm can feel threatening. Homeostasis pulls us back toward what we know, even when what we know is damaging.

Understanding this pattern helped me stop treating it as a personal flaw. Once I could see it, I could interrupt it.

Learning to stay with calm took time. But it was a skill, not a miracle.

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